How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm…
I’m the CIEIO.
I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.
A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they’ve ever played Russian roulette.
“We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob.”
“What’s the danger in that?”
“One of them is a cannibal.”
My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.
It’s driving him up the wall.
I just swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
The guy who invented cough drops died…
There was no coffin at the funeral.
I am giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry, I meant I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
What’s a pirate’s least favourite letter?
We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material.
I hate those people that knock on your door and tell you how you need to be ‘saved’ or you will ‘burn’….
Make love, not war.
If you want both, get married.
Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?
Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out.
What a do a bunch of people in Brazil speak? Portuguese. What does just one Brazilian speak?
I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?
I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…
And Michael had a penis.
You didn’t get my Mamma Mia joke?
Here I go again.
I can cut wood in half just by looking at it
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
“Freedom lies in being bold.”
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